On a Wednesday afternoon in December, I waged war against my wife.
Making our way onto Court 3 at our local indoor tennis club, Heather was excited to squeeze in some quality time with me, but I had my own agenda. After warming up, I fired away, launching bomb after bomb in her direction.
“What are you doing?!” she yelled.
“WORKING ON MY GAME - WHY ELSE WOULD WE BE HERE?!”
Cue the narrator to say, that wasn’t what she had in mind. For ten more minutes, I argued with her about why we were there, how tight my time was, and how frustrating it was to play with her, a beginner, when I was trying to sharpen the tools my private instructor provided me with earlier in the week. We then forced ourselves to use the rest of our court time and drove home in silence.
She vowed to never play with me again. I felt like a complete asshat.
I started playing tennis in Florida after I moved home from college. My mom surprised me with a racket for my 23rd birthday, while I was having a hard time working and living with my dad. I played as often as I could to stay out of the house. Tennis became my escape. I got pretty good, too, which wasn’t a huge surprise when I think back to the hours and hours I spent on the court.
In Malcolm Gladwell’s famous book, Outliers, he describes something called the 10,000-hour rule. It takes 10,000 hours of intense practice to master a particular skill. This is an incredible amount of time to devote to something. Think of it like this: you would need to practice 12 hours a day, every day, for more than two years to hit 10,000 hours.
When I left Florida for New York City, I left tennis behind, too. There weren’t many free courts in the city, and I was too busy and poor to find ways to play. But a decade, two daughters, and a move to the suburbs later, I finally felt like I could turn the focus back on me and pick it back up again. I joined a snazzy outdoor club and eventually snagged an invite to play doubles with a group on Sundays. I started training with a pro. As I tend to do, I mentally went all in.
I’m not sure what my expectations were. I’m not going to be the next Federer–I am no outlier. When Heather started playing a year ago, I was happy to have a built-in partner, someone I could have a last-minute volley with. It was fun watching her improve at the beginning. Then, as I started taking lessons and playing more competitively with players at or above my skill level, I grew impatient with her. She laughs and does a dance when she rightfully wins a point. I couldn’t even take a joke.
We made up, of course, but I’ve been internalizing my behavior ever since. I created a false sense of urgency around improving on the court, and in doing so, robbed myself of the opportunity to have fun with my wife. I also turned a blind eye to the journey I’m on as a whole.
Gladwell’s rule about mastery is humbling. Between running a business, volunteering, raising two little girls, and just enjoying my life, it’s unlikely I will find more time right now. I play tennis two hours per week, so at my current rate, I will master the sport in about 96 years. Now, that’s not including the time I’ve already spent, so maybe it will take 94. Even if I doubled my playtime, I won’t master tennis anytime soon. The massive gap between what I’m doing and the runaway hustle train in my brain requires a change. I need to just enjoy the time I can carve out to work on something I love; even more so when I’m with someone I love. I needed this perspective on the court that day, and really, I need it across every aspect of my life.
The funny thing is, my tennis skills are improving. If I keep at it, I will compete at levels far beyond where I am at right now. But of course, the competition is never the person standing on the opposite side of the net. It’s you competing with yourself. Improving at anything you care about requires an equal appreciation for the means and the ends.
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A great read and we've all been there (though perhaps not quite so over the edge as you were)! So easy to get tunnel vision about the goals right in front of you and lose sight of the supporting foundation and relationships that make building toward those goals so worth doing.